Finding the yes

I have so much in me to express. I want to live out my story and share as much as possible to further my knowing of myself. Reflection reflection reflection. Everything could be considered a mirror. What I think is confrontational is unique to my perspective, and it's part if the journey. I haven't solved that within me, and this is where resistance lies. I have never really understood the question, what do you do? And to add to that, the other common question, where are you from? I simply cannot offer a plain answer.  I do many things, and I am from every experience I have ever lived, every person I have met, or witnessed, every step I have taken, every moment before this one is what I am made up of. I don't think we as a culture see ourselves as that expansive. I certainly pursue a lot and investigate how I feel while I am involved, might as well, it's me living and breathing and contributing the the entire experience. I needed to redefine success for myself with this kind of thinking. My success range is about this check-in with myself. I want every breath and every doing to be a yes. And if I can furnish a yes, I have achieved success. I am not above any labor or effort. I often take the challenge to see and feel into my capacity. Perspective is like my spinal fluid. I have observed and participated and what I choose and how I act supports my livelihood. I am figuring this way of thinking might appear obvious. Great, common knowledge is shared meaning. This knowing and experiential way of living shows me my range of empathy, and my preferences. I want to enjoy creating my life, and it's taken me up to this point to realize this is my responsibility. Despite the doing, I am intrigued at my liveliness. I am self-aware. We, as a species are self aware. I choose to keep this in focus. 

 I left New York  Feb. 20 and came back to San Francisco early May. I want to work on me and I needed a good community to support me. I have a gorgeous collection of friends here. I want their feedback and their stories to encourage my development. Like Harold Bloom's book on literary criticism entitled, The Anatomy of Influence, I am seeking clarity in understanding myself as the embodied idea. I arrived to this moment with influence, an abstract container for expectation. And I want to choose from an inspired place of my own process. I think of the San Francisco Chronicle writing an article remembering Maya Angelou with the headline, 'self made inspiration'. Maya Angelou, she did 'her'-she was her own woman and it was fantastic to witness her through her song, her words, her civic activism how she saw herself in the paradigm and how it invigorated her to do more. I am not Maya Angelou. I am Adele. Not the Grammy award winning British pop star on the radio. Another one. I want to live a strong story. I am learning how to uncover this by actively finding a yes and when I feel my answer shifting, I remember the Homer quote, 'and what he greatly thought, he nobly dared'. And so it is.

 I am learning how to fill my cup to the brim and then some so that when asked to listen, give, empathize, I am a full entity giving from a place of abundance not from scarcity. Like a hug is an offering, it is also a place of reception. By opening up my arms, I am creating the ideal space for someone to hug me back, and for them to see and feel into how they fit into my story. I am re-learning everyday how to consider myself in every moment so that I may see where I am headed by the playfulness, or grace, or curiosity I live/create right now. Like the summer I traveled to Europe, and launched the trip of all glory to experience wanderlust, to remember myself, to include myself in my process of thought. What do I like to eat? When do I like go get up? Sometimes I forget because I have compromised with another person, or a seemingly more convenient way. Right now is a similar exodus/hiatus/launching moment where I am really searching to breathe life into my own artistic vision. What does that mean? I want to regard everything I do as something to gain a lesson from and I want to earn money, make connections and drive my story forward for me. Not another person, not a company, not an industry, unless it aligns with my joy and I don't need any of the extra influence. And I want to create, and perform and sing and dance and share perspectives and inspire connection and conversation. And some how I will figure this out, because this is what makes my heart beat faster.

I was traveling after I left New York for about three months. I followed hints of affection, they didn't pan out. I followed invitations, but they left me feeling empty, and finally at the end after traversing the US from East coast to West, North to Canada twice, and South to Mexico, I resolved to stop, and sit still and hold the mirror up to my own face. I won't find my answer in a place when I keep changing it. This is very difficult. I want to buy a plane ticket all the time. To keep the adrenaline going, to keep exploring and learning and interacting with my notions of fear and by sitting inside allowing them to dissolve. Travel excites me so much. The physicality of all the ways to be mobile enlivens me. I was on a plane to Hawaii a month ago, and turned the woman next to me, and said, 'We're flying! We are up in air flying, and we are also enjoying these peanuts...' When did that get boring? Why did it lose it's phenomenal status. Life is fragile and short and long and forever in this instant, this breath. Why isn't the new Mercedes still exciting? Because it's not new... So curious, new is better, more interesting. How about just having a car! Life is so convenient and if there is traffic, it could be a concourse for celebration, so many drivers, so many owners-. Gratitude check in. As the fleeting moment evolves, I think of Gandhi's quote, 'there is more to life than increasing it's speed.' How do we talk about demand when there are factories with food left undistributed, and people are still hungry. I digress. 

My heart is slowly returning to a place where it can flutter by a knowing glance or initiative. I have had all kinds of experiences in this transition and each one I seem to be measuring a yes or a no, so I know that I'm not quite ready, or rather, that person isn't the right person. And when asked about marriage by an old friend, my introverted uncertain self answered sheepishly, 'I am not sure, it's not where I am at right now.' He wrote, 'Stay open to it.' I wrote, 'Change is a constant.' He wrote, 'Yeah, well it's bigger than say- deciding to switch to decaf.' To me, the expression of union is good, the ritual of ceremony is good but I am not so concerned with this. It's not where I am at. I am in a different phase of my journey.

I am sitting in San Francisco at the house in the where I lived four years ago. I am making my way carefully tiptoeing around old patterns from college days that are deeply set, like concrete grooves of my once upon a time here. Each step, I am aware to only choose what serves me now... And the over thinking has me wound tightly. And then I realize, I am creating all of it, and I invite my imagination to stop being so imaginative. With all of this said, I'm glad to have time or rather I am happy to remove myself from the constraints of time, to look into myself and see my own pace, my own motivation before I act- so that I may honor what I need. I am courageously vulnerable and ecstatic all the time. Fortunately, I have arrived to the 'start up' capital of the world, I feel like the energy here is about realizing a vision.

So I have begun to create dance again. Here is the latest effort, my rooftop movement test edited into quite a vision of perception. Can I write that. A vision of perception. Hmm sounds good. I am a yes. SES, filmed and edited by Sertac Yildizhan.